Last time I shared about the reality and warning signs of Compassion Fatigue, something commonly experienced by people in helping careers.

If any of this resonated with you, there are some ways to help prevent it. Often Compassion Fatigue is something that creeps up on us. We don’t even really see it until it has already overwhelmed us. The following information comes from Francoise Mathieu, a Certified Mental Health Counsellor and Compassion Fatigue Specialist. Mathieu designed a prevention toolkit to allow you to create some better self-care strategies. Everyone is different so what works for you might not work for someone else.

Here are some questions that will make you more self- aware and get you started:

·What are my warning signs? (On a scale of 1 to 10, what is a 4 for me and what is a 9?)

·How Am I Doing? (Schedule a regular check in, every week.)

·What things do I have control over?

·What things do I not have control over?

·What stress relief strategies do I enjoy? (Taking a bath, a walk, sleeping well or a massage).

Strategies for your workplace:

·Talk about it. By openly discussing and recognizing compassion fatigue at work, employees who serve others can normalise this problem. This will give you and other’s permission to take steps to prevent compassion fatigue.

·Create an encouraging environment. Some helpful things a workplace can offer are: proper debriefing, regular breaks, mental health days, peer support, assessing and changing workloads, improved access to professional development and regular check-in-times where staff can safely discuss the impact of their work on their professional and private lives.

·Where possible break up your work day or work part time. Working part time, only seeing clients or patients part time and doing other activities the rest of the workday can be a very effective method to prevent compassion fatigue.

Strategies for your personal life:

·Improve your self-care. Most caregivers put their needs last and feel guilty for taking extra time off to care for themselves. You can’t pour into others if you are running on empty.

·Find balance. Is there balance between depleting and nourishing activities in your life? Make the time to meditate, exercise, pursue non-work interests and experience personal debriefing.

·Observe your coping mechanisms. How are you coping? Are you able to give out at home or are you too depleted to participate in your home life? Are you relying on alcohol, food or other unhealthy things to de-stress?

For more information about coping with Compassion Fatigue visit: www.cmc-consulting.ca

By Sharon Osvald in Collaboration with Winnie Visser

You used to love your job.

All your life you wanted to have a "helping” profession, doing something noble that serves others and makes the world a better place. Now you’re tired, impatient even cynical about your work and you’re wondering what happened to your compassion.

If this is what you’re feeling, you might be experiencing "Compassion Fatigue”. Dr. C.R. Figley, author of Compassion Fatigue: Coping with secondary traumatic stress disorder in those who treat the traumatized, described Compassion Fatigue as "the cost of caring” for others in emotional and physical pain. Whether you work in health care, policing, social services, ministerial professions or other caring fields, constantly pouring care into the lives of others can take a toll on your health and well-being.

Compassion Fatigue Specialist, Francoise Mathieu writes, "It is marked by increased cynicism at work, a loss of enjoyment in our career, and eventually can transform into depression, secondary traumatic stress and stress-related illnesses. The most insidious aspect of compassion fatigue is that it attacks the very core of what brought us into this work: our empathy and compassion for others.”

(The following symptoms are taken from Cameron and Mathieu Consulting Conferences "Running on Empty: Compassion Fatigue in Health Professionals”)

Are you experiencing any of the following symptoms?

·Exhaustion

·Reduced ability to feel sympathy and empathy

·Anger and irritability

·Increased use of alcohol and drugs

·Dread of working with certain clients/patients

·Diminished sense of enjoyment of career

·Disruption to world view, Heightened anxiety or irrational fears

·Intrusive imagery or dissociation

·Hypersensitivity or Insensitivity to emotional material

·Difficulty separating work life from personal life

·Absenteeism – missing work, taking many sick days

·Impaired Ability to make decisions and care for clients/patients

·Problems with intimacy and in personal relationships

The good news is there are solutions. Find out more about Compassion Fatigue by visiting: www.compassionfatigue.caor by taking a self-test at www.psychink.com/rfiles/PrewkshpScales.doc.

If you’d like to talk to someone personally about the Compassion Fatigue you may be experiencing, feel free to contact me. The next blog post will offer some things that can be done to prevent it. Stay tuned and be encouraged.

By: Sharon Osvald in collaboration with Winnie Visser

With Easter just wrapping up, holidays and special occasions are a great source of joy and pleasure for many people. What if you are not one of those people?

What if your family doesn’t match the picture perfect image shown on television commercials and magazine articles? What if your family is broken through death, divorce or prodigal children? What if you just plain don’t get along with the personalities in your extended family or in-laws? What if you sit around a table that used to be full of children, parents and grandchildren that is now empty? How do you get through holidays like Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthdays without sinking into that gaping hole of loss and grief?

Here are some ideas:

·Reach out. If you are alone or more alone than you want to be during holidays, reach out to the people around you. Find a neighbour, a co-worker, an older friend and invite them to your home. You will be surprised how much lifting up someone else will lift you up.

·Make amends. Sometimes relationships are toxic and damaging to your health (mentally or physically) and we just CAN NOT re-build bridges with the people in our lives. If that is the case you may need help from a therapist to help you make peace with yourself and move on. However, often times we can make moves, offer apologies or accept forgiveness from people in our lives.

·Serve. Like the suggestion of reaching out, holidays and special occasions are lonely for many people. Consider helping at a soup kitchen, offer to visit seniors through Community Care or volunteer at a homeless shelter or pregnancy centre. Again, it will help others and help you too.

·Restructure. If you have experienced loss this year, facing a first of any familiar event is difficult. I suggest doing something different this year. If dinner was always at your house, go to one of your children’s places or a friend’s. This might even become a new cherished routine for you in the future. Trying to do what you’ve always done might just emphasize your loss.

·Make new Traditions. If you can no longer do the things that used bring meaning to holidays and special occasions, begin new traditions. Think of something meaningful to do that could commemorate the holiday. I heard of one Christian family who wrote out the whole Easter story from the Bible and placed a few verses on each person’s plate. Before eating turkey, they went around the table and each person read their verses. This was very meaningful to this family and it was requested by those around the table that this should be done each Easter. Creating new traditions can be meaningful and bring closeness to families.

·Stop wallowing. This sounds tremendously harsh but sometimes we allow ourselves to wallow in self pity and this gets us nowhere. I’m not saying to deny our sad feelings. I’d be the last person to say that. But I also know what it is to create more anxiety for ourselves. Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in self pity. Get up and do something. Take a walk, bake a cake for the neighbour, go to a neighbouring church service, visit someone in the hospital...........etc etc.

·Be thankful. Joni Eareckson – Tada had a terrible swimming accident that left her a paraplegic. So an elder came to her hospital room and challenged her to start everyday by listing the things she was thankful for. She was some angry at the elder because she was wallowing in self pity at that point. So she tried the exercise......she began to list the things she was thankful for in the day. This went on for some time and she was amazed that her attitude changed.

May you and your loved ones enjoy many of those special moments in your future.

By: Winnie Visser in collaboration with Sharon Osvald

Psycho, Schizo, Junkie, Lazy, Selfish…

Just imagine: You arrive at the doctor’s office after months of suffering and grappling with your symptoms. You are sick and scared, only to be told you have cancer… diabetes … or heart disease. You will need ongoing treatment for your new illness or you could die or at best, seriously impair your quality of life.

But, you are told there is just one problem. No one – or at least not very many people - will believe that you really have this diagnosis. Your family members will say you are just seeking attention. Your co-workers will say you are just trying to get out of work (again), your "ex” will say you always were a loser.

We can’t even fathom such a scenario and yet EVERY DAY this happens to people suffering with mental illness. For those suffering with anxiety disorders, clinical depression and personality disorders etc. society can be an impatient and unsupportive caregiver.

·The person who can’t get out of bed filled with sadness is told: "Stop being so selfish. There are people who have it way worse than you do. Snap out of it.”

·The person who can’t concentrate long enough to complete a simple job is told: "You are lazy and just expect people to look after you.”

·The person who experiences mood swings to be told: "We’re tired of your moodiness. You’re bringing us down. You can choose to be happy, it is a choice.”

·The person battling addictions is told: "You choose that lifestyle and just have no will power. You only care about yourself.”

No one suffering with a mental illness can just stop feeling what they are feeling by wishing.

Pippa Wysong writes in Canadian Living article "The Top 10 Mental Health Myths” "There are multiple types of mental illness, each with its own features and underlying causes…each mental illness is a variation on the theme of brain chemistry gone awry, affecting things like mood and perception. But each of these illnesses has its own specific causes, features and approaches to treatment.”

Just like the person suffering from cancer, diabetes or heart disease, mental illness is a real sickness. Sadly, it is an illness that inconveniences others and makes them uncomfortable, resulting in the sufferer not only feeling out of control of their emotions and responses- but GUILTY too. Often times they also face rejection, intimidation and alienation. How tragic.

If you know or love someone suffering like this, wipe away the stigma and extend a hand of understanding and compassion. It might be the only gift you can give them.

By: Sharon Osvald in collaboration with Winnie Visser

Statistics show that almost one out of every five Canadians experience some form of mental illness at some point in their lives. Yet, misconceptions, stigma, misinformation and negativity prevail. According to the Canadian Mental Health Associations 2008 National Report Card, 46 per cent of Canadians think people use the term "mental illness” as an excuse for bad behaviour. The poll also showed that only 50 per cent of Canadians would confide with a friend or relative if they were diagnosed with a mental illness, compared to 72 per cent who would tell others if they were diagnosed with cancer.

Living with depression and anxiety is difficult enough without adding stigma to these experiences. Not to mention, many people struggling with these issues have grown up believing these same myths and misinformation themselves. Imagine feeling guilty or ashamed for having cancer or diabetes? Imagine struggling with a chronic life altering condition and feeling the need to hide your symptoms? It is unthinkable – yet it happens every day.

In keeping with the recent mention of Mental Health Day in February, the next couple posts will exam some of the myths and misinformation surrounding mental health issues. To begin this myth busting exercise here are some questions and answers:

1. True or False: Anxiety Disorders often occur with other illnesses? This is true.

2. What is the most common mental health problem in Canada: Depression, Schizophrenia or Anxiety Disorders? The answer is that Depression hits 1 in 5 people and Anxiety 1 in 12 and Schizophrenia 1 in 100. Depression is the common cold of mental illnesses.

3. Depression is very similar to feeling down or "blue." This is false. Depression is much worse than having a blue day. We all have a blue day now and again. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and it responds well to a combination of medication, talk therapy and exercise.

4. Most people successfully take control of the symptoms of anxiety by sheer will power and strength? This is false. You can NOT will it away. There are great treatments now for anxiety and it is most helpful if people ask for help. You don't need to do this alone.

5. People often won't talk about depression because they see it as a weakness or a personality trait? This is true especially for men. It is not a weakness or personality trait. It is an illness that needs treatment.

6. Christians (people of faith) get depression less often than non-Christians. False. Depression can hit anyone of any race, religion, colour or socio economic background. It is not a respecter of persons at all. People of faith often suffer more because they feel guilt that they shouldn't be feeling this way because they should be feeling the joy of the Lord. Shame accompanies their depression.

Come back for more about myths, misconceptions and stigma about mental health.

By: Winnie Visser in collaboration with Sharon Osvald

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Have you ever wondered how Valentine’s Day came about? According to www.history.com there are a number of interpretations on how it began.

No matter what story you choose to believe, the consensus seems to be that St. Valentine was martyred for reasons related to his convictions of love and relationships. He was an ultimate giver. Valentine’s Day gives us the opportunity to celebrate the people we love for just one day of the year. But what happens after Valentine’s Day? How can we continue being selfless givers the rest of the days of the year as well?

Time and time again, in our "I’m doing this for me” society, we forget that one of the principle foundations of lasting, solid relationships is selfless giving. Relationships can be extremely fulfilling, however, they can also become the greatest source of pain when they’re not going well. This is especially true when each partner becomes self-seeking.

In light of Valentine’s Day and our upcoming Family Day, on Feb. 20th, let’s cover some tips for strengthening marriages and relationships.

·Marriages and relationships need to be intentional, including words such as honour, respect, honesty, vulnerability, healthy, open communication and forgiveness.

·When we don’t agree with or understand a statement our spouse or partner makes, be intentionally curious rather than attacking or blaming. Ask them to clarify what you think you heard them say.

·Speak respectfully to one another even when disagreeing. Don’t call each other names, withhold love-making or point out weaknesses when arguing.

·Be honest in your communication even if it may hurt you or your spouse. Honesty, with pain, is far better than brewing distrust through deception. Be honest about your own personal struggles. Everyone has them.

·Don’t try to change your spouse or loved one! You can’t change anyone, so stop trying! Instead, change your own responses.

·You are the only one that can choose to react or respond to a situation. Reactions produce chaos; responses produce thought evoked action. An old wise proverb reads, "A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Honouring and giving to each other, meeting one another’s needs, knowing what each other’s needs are, communicating with honesty and respect and treating one another as cherished gifts are ways to enhance a relationship beyond Valentine’s Day.

May your Valentine’s Day and Family Day be one of celebrating your spouse and loved ones all year around!! Solid marriages make solid families and solid families make solid communities.

By: Winnie Visser in collaboration with Sharon Osvald

Looking back and reviewing the topics shared on this blog, I realized the very first post back in October was about being intentional in our relationships.

The following quote from "The Word for You Today” (Canadian edition – November 1, 2011) reminded me of the importance of this topic. It says, "Often our marriages are damaged not by big things like infidelity, abuse or abandonment – but little things like criticism, lack of respect and taking each other for granted.”

Most of us can remember a time when we couldn't stop thinking about our loved one. Our long distance phone bills were out of this world! We knew everything about how their day went and what they were feeling.

As new parents we waited with great anticipation to see our children take their first steps and say their first words. But the newness and novelty fade and so often we forget. Instead, as we go about our days, we begin to slide into a pattern of apathy and carelessness. We stop listening – really listening - not just to the words our spouses or children say, but the feelings and hopes behind those words. It is so easy to stop being mindful of the needs, disappointments and dreams of our spouses and children. It is equally easy to stop sharing our own hearts. As the above quote says, it isn’t the big things that break up families, but the slow and steady erosion of everyday life. How many times have you heard the words "I don’t know, we just grew apart,” by someone describing a break-up?

Sometimes we all need a reminder. Some of us need a wake-up call that happy families don’t just raise themselves. With February being the month of love, I would like to challenge you to really show and tell your love this month. Here is the challenge:

1.Put down the remote, the computer, the laundry or the telephone long enough to really ask your spouse or family how they are doing? Intimacy takes time and attention.

2.Don’t let your family members slide through life beside you. Engage them. Invite them to do things together –even if it is just getting a hot chocolate or going for a drive to the lake. If this doesn’t work right away, be at their games, events and activities. Show them you want them IN your life, not just alongside it.

3.As parents, part of our role is to correct and discipline. However, it is not to critique, criticize, be-little and nag. If you have fallen into this habit, see it and change it. Discipline always goes hand-in-hand with un-conditional love. You can’t speak into someone’s life if they have tuned you out.

4.Ditto for your spouse. Criticizing and nagging your spouse in a manner that makes them feel small or stupid; especially in front of other people is not a great way to build a loving marriage. It is our job to build up and encourage our spouses. That’s what families are for.

By: Sharon Osvald in collaboration with Winnie Visser

We’re half way through January, right around the time when New Year’s Resolutions start dropping off our to-do-lists. Did you make a resolution this year? Whether it is exercising more, quitting smoking or starting a new course in life, why is it that even with our best intentions, these resolutions so often fail?

Many social scientists believe it is because the goals we make are not S.M.A.R.T. goals. The first known use of the acronym S.M.A.R.T. ( as a goal setting tool) was by George T. Doran in the November 1981 issue of Management Review. Here’s what it means. In order to succeed in our goal setting our goals need to be:

Specific –Measurable -Attainable -Relevant –Time based.

Specific: The clearer your goals are the more likely they are to meet with success compared to more general goals. They must answer all five "W” questions.

What: What do I wish to accomplish?

Why: What are the specific reasons, benefits and purposes of your goal?

Who: Who is involved?

Where: Identify a specific location for this change to occur at.

Which: Identify the requirements and the constraints of your plan to change.

Measurable: If a goal is not measurable it is difficult to see if there is progress or completion. Giving yourself specific targets (I want to be at this spot by this date and so on) will keep you on track.

Attainable: Are your goals realistic? Deciding to lose 100 pounds in one week by going on a crazed diet may have some initial results, but since this is not sustainable over the long term you will usually fail. Goals cannot be out of your reach or below what you can accomplish. The question needs to be asked: How can this goal be accomplished? Develop your plan from there.

Relevant: This answers the question does this goal matterto me? If this is not something that really moves you, you won’t really embrace it. Ask yourself: Does this seem worthwhile? Is this the right time? Where does this line up with my other efforts/needs?

Time –Based: Giving yourself a realistic time frame to meet a goal gives that goal a sense of urgency and a completion date. Life has a way of taking over our days if we are not conscientious about how we spend our time. Having a time based goal puts a little extra and necessary pressure on us to NOT have an excuse to neglect our goals.

Wishing you a very successful 2012 as you plan specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-based goals.

By: Sharon Osvald in collaboration with Winnie Visser

As we begin this fresh New Year, we can’t help but think of change. What was good about our last year, our goals, accomplishments our lives and what needs to change? As I do this in my own life, a reoccurring theme comes to the surface.

Change begins with yourself.

One of the principles to live by this year is that we are all responsible for our own joy and fulfillment in life. As a marriage and family therapist, I understand that many people have terrible things happen to them in their past. These things can be traumatic to overcome and drastically affect people’s lives. However, I believe: Don’t blame the past. Yes, it happened and yes, it was painful. However, it is easy to become stuck by something that happened to us thirty – even fifty years ago. In the words of writer and speaker Joyce Meyers, "Let God restore you but don’t stay in recovery all your life.”

It is time we take the baton and become responsible for our own attitudes, our own habits and our own disappointments and stop blaming our parents, our husband, our wife or our kids for the life we now choose to live!

Blessings for a year of change! Only you can decide what that means and how you might go about changing it. No one can do it for you. You might be empowered by your faith or supported by others but it is you that needs to do this.

Believe me; I’m looking in the mirror when I say this.

By: Winnie Visser in collaboration with Sharon Osvald

 Christmas really can be a wonderful time of year. It’s a time when families and friends make the time to reconnect, our homes and streets are decorated with lights and greenery and people pause to remember to help others in need. It of course, is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, who brings hope and peace to a lost world.

However, as a marriage and family therapist, I also am aware that Christmas can be an incredibly painful time for many. We must be careful not to minimize the pain this season brings some people. Firstly, there are relationship stressors that seem to just jump off the page this time of year. Whether it is watching Christmas movies of perfect families when you’re struggling to stay in an unhappy marriage or sitting around the table eating turkey with people (family) that you’d rather not be around – the unreasonable pressure for Christmas to be "perfect” can make the season less than bright.

Secondly, grief at Christmas time is so very real, conjuring up many memories. Christmas, like no other holiday is about family and sharing. A little like salt on the wound, knowing that it’s Christmas once again reminds us that there is an empty place setting. Who will carve the turkey now that dad is not here? Who will pass out the gifts? Whether our loss is experienced through death, divorce, distance or dementia – the gap in our lives is felt.

If you are experiencing grief or loss this season, here is a little help.

1. Allow yourself to be sad. Sometimes we feel guilty for grieving. We don’t want to "bum” everyone else out on a day that is meant to be happy. If you have been the primary joy-maker, baker, decorator for past Christmas times, this is especially difficult; You carry pressure to make the day perfect – when all you want to do is cry. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. It is totally normal.
2. Adjust your expectations. If you have lost a significant loved one, it is going to take a long time for your Christmas to feel "normal” again. Accept and expect that this will be a process and communicate this to your loved ones.
3. Keep it Simple. In the words of columnist, Stacie Ruth Stoelting in her column, Coping with Grief at Christmas, "Take a hands off and hands folded approach to the holidays. Reduce activity, increase prayer and companionship.” After losing her husband, one woman who was an avid baker, stopped baking all together during the holidays. The activity just reminded her of her loss. As a result, her kids took up the activity and even now years later; her daughters repeat their parent’s favourite recipes. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t send Christmas cards, have a huge meal or even put a tree, keeping things simple will help you manage your grief.
4. Forgive. Often times when we lose a loved one there is unfinished "relationship” business that we now feel helpless to deal with. You may wish you said and did things – but it is too late. The only way to let these feelings go is to forgive. Writing a letter to your loved one or speaking with a counsellor is a very helpful way of finalizing this act of forgiveness and freeing yourself from hurt feelings and regrets. Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves too!
5. Diet and Rest. Watching what you eat is very important during the holidays. Over eating and experiencing sugar highs and lows are great ways of feeding depression. Be mindful of what you are taking in and how much sleep you are getting – especially when you’re already feeling vulnerable.
6. Marking the loss. When we lose someone it is so hard to see life just carry on without him or her. We can actually feel guilty for enjoying ourselves. Find an outlet to make a tribute to the person you’ve lost. Many churches and funeral homes have special services during the holidays that allow people to celebrate the life of someone they have lost. Whether it is hanging a Christmas wreath on a grave site, writing a letter or memorial, making a yearly donation in their name or posting a tribute online, acknowledging your loss is important.
7. Reach out. This advice is two sided. One, reach out and receive support for yourself. Secondly, reach out to others. This is the season for serving the hurting. Helping at a soup kitchen, singing at a nursing home or taking clothes to a woman’s shelter is a lot more uplifting than sitting at home feeling alone – for you and for others. It might even become a new tradition that you cherish.
8. Talk about the good times. Often when someone loses a partner or a child, we try to protect that person by not talking about the one they lost. Instead, it helps to laugh and remember the funny stories and the good times. These memories can be very comforting.
9. Reclaim Your Purpose. When we lose someone we love- especially if we were their caregiver – we find it hard to remember why we were left behind. You may need help to find that focus again and to remember you are important and here for a reason.

For many people, the Christmas season doesn't feel very much like a holiday. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the shopping, parties, concerts, baking and just aren’t enjoy it- read on.

Here is Part Two of "Making the Season Bright”:

1. Start every day with a plan. The Christmas season is a busier time than usual and needs to be managed accordingly. Start your day a little earlier than usual. Begin it by making a list of the goals that need to be achieved and what you can reasonably accomplish today. This will give you a greater sense of control and will keep the demands of the moment from just taking over your life.

2. Delegate! Many people live by the philosophy "If I have to ask for help, I’d rather do it myself.” This doesn’t work during the holidays. Your kids, spouse and peers can help you. Give yourself permission to take something off your list if it is reasonable to ask them to do it for you.

3. Let it Go. Remember that list of goals I told you to make? Now take a red pen and cross the things off that are not do-able. If you don’t have time to do that extra baking, write those extra Christmas cards or attend that yearly event, allow yourself to say no and not feel guilty. If you are truly managing your time well, trying to reach your goals and there still aren’t enough hours in the day – reassess what is important and what you can let go of. 

If you’re like me you are busy. Maybe you’re busy at your job, running a business, attending school or just trying to keep up with your family. Whatever it is, for many the whole Christmas season doesn't feel very much like a holiday. If you are feeling caught up in shopping, parties, concerts, baking and you just aren't enjoying it – Read on. 

Here are some tips to "Make the Season Bright”.

1. Remember the real meaning of Christmas. Remembering that the first Christmas was about grace, forgiveness and peace on earth should help us re-focus our frantic thoughts. Don’t miss the meaning behind the moment.
2. Focus on people. Make sure the few days you get off work are centered on the people in your life, not swept up in the trappings of trying to make the holiday picture perfect. Spend less time fussing and more time talking and laughing. If you are separated from the people you love – by distance, death or divorce, look around you. Many people are alone during the holidays. Reach out to a neighbour, a senior or a young mom. It will help them and help you too.
3. Remember the Basics. As simple as it sounds, get lots of sleep, eat well and exercise. These three things are key to keeping us feeling well, rested and ready to cope and yet they are the first three things that get sacrificed when we are rushed. Take care of yourself so you can take care of everything and everyone else.

Come back next week for Part Two of Making the Season Bright 

Written By: Sharon Osvald in collaboration with Winnie Visser